Coming to terms with your parenting mistakes
(and one big reason why gentle parenting is so hard)
One reason why gentle parenting is so hard, is that it necessitates that we do some soul searching and coming to terms with our previous actions and decisions. This can be cathartic or painful, or often a mix of both.
On days when I have found parenting tough, I have always wished that I didn’t have to be an adult any more. How lovely it would be not only to not have to deal with the practicalities of being a parent, but also to not to have to live with the sea of churning emotions it evokes.
All parents make mistakes though. A vital part of the parenting journey is about learning and growing as an adult, and we can do neither without making mistakes. Parenting shapes your behaviour and personality almost as much as it does your child’s. Becoming a parent is the final step in ‘growing up’ yourself.
One of my favourite phrases in relation to parenting is, ‘When we know better, we do better’. You can only do your best with the information that you believed to be correct at the time. The problem here is that we are presented with so much information, often from sources of authority, such as medical and childcare professionals, and it can be difficult to question the validity of their advice.
If we cannot process our parenting guilt, however, then we remain in a position of parental suspension. We experience the worst of both worlds: the constant nagging pain reminding us of a decision made at a time when we either didn’t know or couldn’t do better and the inability to move on using the experience to lift us to a new level of awareness. But as tough as it is to be the adult sometimes, it is the only way, for the sake of our- selves as well as our children. As the author and scientist Steve Maraboli writes: ‘We all make mistakes, have struggles and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here now with the power to shape your day and your future.’
If you have a bad day – and you will have because everybody does – remind yourself that it is just that: one bad day. Tomorrow is a chance to start afresh. And even though it may not seem like it at the time, a bad day is a great learning experience, helping you to understand what does and does not work for your family. Don’t write off all your hard work for the sake of one day or one incident.
It is vital that you are kind to yourself if you want to be a gentle parent, in fact being gentle on yourself is as important as being gentle on your child.
This is an edited extract from the second edition of my ‘Gentle Parenting Book’, but if you want to learn more about managing your own emotions, how to lose the constant nagging guilt and anxiety that tends to accompany Gentle Parenting then you’re exactly who I wrote ‘How to be a Calm Parent’ for.
SOS NEWSLETTER ANNOUNCEMENT
I’ve migrated my SOS parenting newsletter over to Substack, I hope you like it! I’ll still be sending one or two newsletters a month, but focusing on Gentle Parenting from birth to age 12. Do leave me a comment and let me know if there are any specific questions you’d like me to answer, or topics you’d like to suggest for inclusion. Or let me know if you prefer the old style better!
If you have a 13-21yr old (or work with them), pop over and join my Raising Teens substack for teen and young adult specific articles.
Sarah xx