How do you gentle parent children who aren't naturally gentle?
“People who do gentle parenting haven’t met my kid!”
“I feel like gentle parenting only works if your child is gentle - mine aren’t!”
I can’t tell you how many times I read something like this online. Often in a jokey, throwaway statement, but sometimes there is seriousness behind the statement.
Too often I come across a parent who is feeling deflated, despondent, and exhausted. They desperately want to do gentle parenting. They’ve watched all the videos, learned all the phrases and try it out, but their child still throws epic tantrums, hits, yells, swears/curses, gets detention after detention at school and they come to the conclusion that “gentle parenting doesn’t work for some kids, like mine”. Sometimes they sadly feel that perhaps they aren’t cut out for gentle parenting; that not only does their child have to be gentle, but they have to be too, as a parent.
The truth is, that gentle parenting is even more important for children who don’t have naturally gentle behaviour. In my opinion, it is the only effective style of parenting for children prone to explosiveness, meltdowns and violent behaviour. I also believe it’s the best for the wrung-out, shattered parents who struggle to control their own temper.
Why? Let's start with the children…
In my new book RAISING ATTENTION I talk about something called ‘The Cycle of Shame’. When a child with ‘big behaviour’; explosiveness, constant rudeness, unruliness, permanent disobedience (or however else you want to describe it) acts out they are usually met with harsh discipline (time out, naughty step, various punishments and consequences, detention, isolation, missing playtime, losing priviledges etc..). This discipline often involves an element of shaming and calling out the behaviour and the child. What happens to the child? They start to internalise the messages; maybe they are bad? Maybe they are the horrible person people are telling them they are? Maybe they were born to be “the naughty child”. This shame and internalisation leads to their self-esteem hitting rock bottom and when they feel bad it causes more dysregulation. They lash out more (verbally and physically), they feel disconnected from their caregivers, they find it harder to control their emotions (because they have so many big ones constantly bubbling away). What happens next? Well, it’s not rocket science - we see more difficult behaviour. If it ever feels as if some children are stuck in a cycle of ‘poor behaviour’ it’s true, but not because they have chosen to act that way consciously, rather it’s because we (as well-meaning as we try to be) have made it happen.
What’s the best way to avoid ‘The Cycle of Shame’? Well, that’s where Gentle Parenting comes in…
When we truly understand children, their brain development, their capabilities and their behaviour, when we act as their advocates and their supporters, when we prioritise co-regulation over punishment and ostracising them we bypass the cycle. Does it make them easy to control and instantly obedient? No. No parenting (or school discipline) style can do that. What it can - and does - do however is to nurture the child’s self-esteem and confidence enough so that they can step off the treadmill and exist ‘The Cycle of Shame’. Change isn’t quick (no change worth having is), however it is positive, long-lasting and always in the child’s best interests. Does that mean we ignore the dangerous and hurtful behaviour and words? Absolutely not. There is still discipline ‘in the moment’ to keep everybody safe. There are still boundaries. These are just accompanied with understanding, connection and mutual respect.
I haven’t spoken much about my own children, or parenting, before. You may know that I have four children (now all young adults). What you may not know is that one of my children had some of the most explosive behaviour I have ever seen. I was that mum people judged in the supermarket, I was that mum people avoided or whispered about at the school gate and my child was that child who was never invited to playdates, that child the other parents tried to tell their children to avoid and that child who - heartbreakingly - invited the whole class of 30 children to his birthday party only for none of them to turn up on the day. An empty house, full of decorations, party bags and party food - all untouched, a sobbing little boy and a mum who felt she had failed him because she couldn’t even get one child to attend. It’s hard to not take things personally, hard to not blame yourself, to question what you’re doing wrong (especially so for me, as I was working as a parenting expert and publishing books!) and hard to not spiral into your own cycle of shame and angry dysregulated behaviour. What I learned was that punishment, attempts at control, coercion and harsh discipline didn’t work. They made his behaviour worse if anything. The only thing that worked was Gentle Parenting and working on my own behaviour so that he had a calm(ish) adult to co-regulate with. To help him, I had to first be kinder (or gentle) to myself. It’s tough always being the adult, the calm one, and I’m not ashamed to admit I frequently got it wrong, but Gentle Parenting helped me to get back on track, it was never toxic, it was never too much pressure. Indeed it was the only thing that worked - for both of us.
So, please believe me when I say that I understand and I know that gentle parenting is the only style that works. I’ve been there and got the T-Shirt. There was nothing I didn’t try. We spent far too long stuck in ‘The Cycle of Shame’ and it was only when I truly embraced my own words and Gentle Parenting that I saw the glimmers of hope and change.
Gentle Parenting doesn’t only work for naturally gentle children, it works for all of them, but the ones with the least gentle behaviour? Well, they’re the ones who need it most.
If you’d like to read more of my story (and my son’s), including my own epic tantrums and decidedly ungentle moments, and how to apply Gentle Parenting to help children with difficult behaviour (whether they have ADHD or not), my new book RAISING ATTENTION is out in three week’s time. It’s a love letter to those children and their parents who struggle, it’s full of unjudgemental support and love and practical tips for real change from somebody who understands. It doesn’t matter how old your child is, whether they ‘just’ have explosive behaviour, or an ADHD diagnosis, it will help. If you’re a teacher, a childcare or healthcare professional it’s also for you too. I’d love you to preorder if this spoke to you (because preorders are probably the nicest thing you can do for an author). You can preorder HERE in the UK and HERE for the rest of the world.
Oh, and by the way - if you happen to live in the South East of England, I’m running three small book launch events I’d love to welcome you to (click the town name below for details and tickets):
Take care
Sarah xx
Goodness me, I had my eyes in tears reading your message. After a tantrum f my 3.5 yo this morning which put me in a state of extreme anger, I will certainly pre-order your book.