It’s not your fault
On the guilt of being the parent to a child with explosive behaviour
Hi everyone,
Since RAISING ATTENTION is released next week (I’m so happy to be able to finally say that, it feels like this book has taken forever to get out into the world!) I thought I’d share another little extract with you.
This one is all about the guilt, shame, embarrassment, self-doubt, anxiety and regret that all parents face in their darkest and most exhausting moments. For those raising children with explosive behaviour however this self-blame, questioning and guilt takes on a whole other level. In the book I share several stories of my worst moments (and how I dug myself out of them), but I thought you would maybe appreciate reading a little snippet now.
The book’s out next Thursday by the way, if this extract speaks to you (whether your child has ADHD, they are not neurodivergent but you struggle with some of their big behaviours, or you work with children) I would be so so grateful for your preorder, they make a big impact on the success of a book. You can get a copy in the UK HERE and elsewhere in the world (with free shipping) HERE.
It was all my fault. I was a terrible mother.
Perhaps it was the time I left him to cry because I was too exhausted to pick him up again. Or perhaps it was the time I shouted at him as a toddler when he went to pull the cat’s tail. Maybe it was because I gave him formula milk or jarred baby food and didn’t feed him 100 per cent home-prepared, completely organic food, like I did his brother. Maybe it was because I had had an epidural during labour. Maybe it was because my labour was induced. Maybe I didn’t read to him enough or play with him enough. Maybe I didn’t cuddle him enough because I was busy running around after his toddler brother. Maybe I wasn’t strict enough. Maybe I was too strict.
It was my fault. It had to be.
Everybody says that children are poorly behaved because of lax parenting and here was the result of mine . . .
Maybe you identify with some of these thoughts? I’m pretty certain you’ve had similar.
When you’re the parent of a child with ADHD or undiagnosed explosive behaviour, you spend a lot of time searching for answers, reasons, causes and failures. You’re constantly looking for things you did wrong, or things that you didn’t do that you should have done. Once you accept that it’s not your child’s fault, it’s natural that your thoughts turn to yourself as the next suspect.
The irony is that you’re reading this now. If you were really a bad parent, you wouldn’t be doing that, would you?
But it probably doesn’t matter what I say, because you’ve likely been so tough on yourself that you’ve started to believe your own self-doubts and attacks. The entirety of this chapter is in this book for one reason: to help you realise that it’s not your fault. It never was. And now, it’s time finally to stop blaming yourself.
Why do we apportion blame to ourselves so much as parents? I think, in part, it’s a sign of good parenting – the fact that you want to learn and improve and think critically about your actions. The intense blame, however, takes this introspection a step too far. I also think it stems from society and the way that parents of children with explosive behaviour are treated.
There is so much stigma in our society around children with explosive behaviour. Far too many people think that ADHD doesn’t really exist and is just an excuse for ‘bad behaviour’ and many, particularly those from older generations, believe that dysregulated behaviour in children is a direct reflection of parenting ability.
One research study looking at mothers of four to ten-year-olds with disruptive behaviour found that almost 40 per cent of them felt stigmatised by others, mostly family members, schools and their social network. To be honest, I’m surprised this number is so low, I would have placed it far nearer to 100 per cent.
When we feel that others are judging us and our parenting abilities, we tend to internalise these beliefs and start to believe their words. This stigmatisation is commonly linked to mothers isolating themselves from other adults, which only compounds their fears and worries, as they are left to ruminate on them alone.
For me, one of the hardest parts of being a mother to ‘that child’ was the whispers and sideways glances at the school gate. It would be nice to think I was being paranoid, but some of the other parents chose to speak at full volume, with no attempt to disguise their views. I’m sure you know the sorts of passive-aggressive parents I mean – those who would be sickly sweet to your face, but if there were any remaining doubt about their feelings towards your family, the lack of party invitations for your child cemented their view. They do not want their child anywhere near yours.
In these painful and lonely moments, I defy any parent to not blame themselves and consider that everything is their fault. Now and again, I see the mothers who whispered about my child and me in the school playground and I have to fight an urge to go up to them and tell them that my child finally received a diagnosis and that their words hurt us both unimaginably. I also take a sort of twisted pleasure in learning that my child is in a much better place now, career- and life- wise, than theirs. But in my more rational moments, I con sole myself with the knowledge that they were speaking from a place of ignorance and privilege, and it was never really about us
What if you have done things wrong though?
We all have. I haven’t written this book to make you feel bad or judge you. I’ve written it to support you and let you know that you’re not the only one feeling like you do. While I’ve no doubt that you are a good parent, I also suspect you have done many things that could be construed as ‘wrong’ from a parenting perspective. I also suspect you’ve done things that wouldn’t be considered ‘gentle parenting’. All this is OK. You see, I’ve done plenty of things that wouldn’t be considered ‘good parenting’ or ‘gentle parenting’, too.
Perhaps you’ve found this book because you want a different way to try with your child. Perhaps you’ve tried all the punish ments and the yelling, the reward charts and the bribery. Or perhaps you’ve tried removing all boundaries and allowing your child to take all the control in your family. Maybe, as happened with me, somebody in a position of authority – say, a doctor or teacher – has told you that you are the problem and that you need to change your parenting. Or perhaps you haven’t tried anything at all because everything is so overwhelming you don’t know where to start. Whatever you have or haven’t done before reading this book, you must understand that you could only do your best with the information and support you had at the time.
All that matters is you’re here now and you’re willing and ready to change (or perhaps you just want some reassurance that you are already doing the best thing for your child – that’s OK, too). Maybe what you did in the past wasn’t great for your child, or for you, but it wasn’t the cause of their behaviour, or ADHD. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of as parents (me included, and I’ll tell you a little about my own shameful experiences in the next chapter), but to move on, we need to drop the self- blame.
What can you do if you struggle to drop it? Especially in those times when you feel hopeless and exhausted? Well, that’s what the next chapter is all about. But before we end this chapter, I just want to reinforce the idea, that it’s not your child’s fault and it’s not your fault. If there is fault anywhere, it belongs to our society and those in control of it, for creating a world for neurotypical children and then blaming parents of neurodivergent children when they don’t fit in.
want to read more? RAISING ATTENTION is out next Thursday!
Sarah xx
Parenting is constant learning. Everyone makes mistake. The important thing is to learn from it and become a bit better everday